Life

Life is hard. Life is so hard. I always post things that are generally fun, or cute, or happy, or crazy, but today I'm going to write about how sometimes life is hard. I realize as I get older that I am so imperfect, especially as a mother. I feel that motherhood is one of the most noble callings you can have, and sometimes I feel like I'm just screwing it up. Not always, just sometimes. Maybe it's the stage we're in right now, 3 boys, I don't know, but some days are tough. Today we all went to Target and everyone was staring at us. Seth would not stop screaming, he was mad because I had him locked in the cart. It was one of those extra long carts with two seats in front. And Seth wanted to get in and out and in and out. Well that doesn't work when we're trying to move. I was so frustrated, I just ignored him and kept shopping. People were staring at us so much, I felt like yelling at them! I don't want to be stared at, no matter what my kids are doing! Haven't you ever seen a mad kid before?! Finally, I decided he maybe just needed some mommy time, so I bent down and nestled my face next to his and he stopped. He was calm for the first time in a long time. We kept our faces hugging together for a few minutes, and then he was okay. And then my sweet Trey hopped in the seat next to him and said, "what will make Seth happy?" And he started playing little games with him and Seth stayed happy the rest of the shopping trip.

Earlier today we went to swim lessons for the first time this summer. Justin has been talking about swim lessons for several days and he's been so excited to wear his new goggles. So we got to swim lessons and he's freaking out and doesn't want to get in. He's pulling on me and crying. A friend came and took Seth so I could help Justin and I picked him up and he was kicking and screaming and his swim teacher came and got him and he was still kicking and within a minute, he was smiling and laughing and loving it.

We have so many episodes like these throughout each day. And it wears on me. We go form good to bad and bad to good in seconds! And so does my temperment and mood sometimes!Some days I'm better at staying calm and patient, and other days I'm not. I literally have my hands full so much. I will have Seth in my arms while holding Justin's hand who is using me for stability. Sometimes I feel like I have 2 toddlers. Justin will be 5 next month, but seems much younger. Justin has special needs. He has spino cerebellar ataxia. His cerebellum is smaller than normal which affects his motor skills all the way around. Coordination, balance, muscle strength, speech and much more are all difficult for him. I can't even explain how often I see other kids and am amazed at their abilities. When they are perfectly normal, but my perception is a little warped. I wish so much for my little Justin that he could have a body that worked normal. Where he could run and speak clearly and do all of the other things that comes so naturally to others. I know someday he'll have a perfect body, which gives me great comfort.

Another part of life that is hard is that we often have scares with Justin. His whole life has been a struggle, from early on. He was literally always sick the first two years of his life. He didn't crawl until 14 months and didn't walk until he was 2. His eyes were crossed and he had to get surgery to fix them, and also get tubes in his ears. The crossed eyes were a blessing in disguise because then we found out that he had bad vision, so he started wearing glasses at the age of 18 months. He had a grand mal seizure a month before he turned 2 years old and had to be life flighted to Primary Children's Hospital from Bear Lake where we were having a family reunion. He had another grand mal seizure the next day. He went on anti-seizure medication at that time and has been way better with the seizures. A few months after he turned 2 years old, his immune system turned around and all of a sudden he was Mr. Healthy. He wasn't hardly sick anymore, it was the most wonderful thing. We could actually keep plans and he was able to make so much more progress without being so sick.

So ever since that point, 2 and a half years ago, life has been better. But we still have Justin scares. Every time I think things are good and there is smooth sailing, something happens with him and it gets me all nervous again. And I realize how fragile life is. Lately he's been having weird eye problems. Where his eyes rapidly go back and forth or up and down. At first it scared him, but now he thinks it's sort of funny. But I still don't like it, it scares me. This post has turned into a Justin post. I've been meaning to post about him and a little bit of his history, so I guess that was part of it.

I don't really even have a point to this post and it's so random, but I just needed to vent a bit. It helps me feel better. Maybe my need to vent also has a little to do with the fact that today is the second day without Ryan, he's traveling for work. And Seth has been so so clingy the last few days, I can't even leave the room in my own house without him crying. And Justin has had diareah for, let's see, how many days now, like 6 days now! Yea, maybe those things have a little bit to do with it. Life is not perfect, and neither am I. But I am trying. Life is hard, but life is good.